i love afi dearly but i really need a new layout. that will be my next project, eh? already today i posted a nice entry at my journals and went and commented at almost all of my gj friends' journals. i love them. for some reason.

i went to sleep a whole hour early last night, and i'm still effing exhausted. this morning i could barely move; i was totally in the zone all morning cause i was worried about something (i'm not saying cause it ended up being REALLY embarassing that i was worried about it) and then i think i got dehydrated. then dan gave me a massage over snack so i kind of felt really drunk. but like, not crazy-hyper drunk, like about-to-pass-out drunk. but i drank some water and stuff and i was okay.

funny stories while i'm thinking about it: today was pajama day. mine were falling down and i couldn't tighten them any more, so i had to make my mommy take me home to change to tighter pj pants. so later julia and i were partnering and i leaned on her back and i just hear RRRRRIPPP! and here, she's ripped the seat of her pants. LMAO. so i laughed at her for ages, AND THEN, during improv i ended up ripping my pants!! KARMA. jeeeeez! but luckily there were safety pins in the office so i could pin my pants and finish improv.

so. in the afternoon we basically did... production. the schedule is all screwy. i'm dancing in a piece that some of the younger kids did and asked all of the GOOD older dancers to dance in. i felt special for being included. :] we have a cool but kind of confusing dance for that. then we worked on ours. it is looking really awesome. except for julia ripping her pants and us all bursting out laughing when dan yells and when we form our pile at the end. but hey.

we also finally got to record our song. i think it came out really well & really funny. we recorded a bonus track with a bunch of different ways to say "i mean, come on, would you want another hand?" XD oh AND dan and i were the only ones staying for improv and i go, "sorry, dan, i know i'm your least favorite," and he just kind of looked at me like, "you're kidding me, right?" heh. then we tango-side-galloped to improv. where i ripped my pants. fun day.

i love watching the vh1 world series of pop culture, cause i can get a lot of the questions. & also i have a humongous crush on the asian dude from the velvet rope revolution team. he reminds me a little of jade. PROJECT RUNWAY TONIGHT!!!

i want to go run but i think i'm running out of time...

xoxo



25 July 2006, 8:15 PM

after all, it was a great big world with lots of places to run to
♪: jack's mannequin - american girl

ack. i'm rough right now, because it's time to take my medecine and i'm trying to wait as long as i can so i won't wake up anxious. it's hard. the only thought going through my head is, "why won't dan touch me?" because he won't. at least, it seems like it, because i'm reaching for it all the time. but he does. if i'm not imagining that he doesn't, i might have a reason why, but i'm afraid to get my hopes up.

fucking anxiety.

so yeah, today we ran through our dance a few times... i get to be the leader in our line of flying... the morning was basically me shoving off natalie (cause she was being annoying), and... flirting with brad. um, weird? he's this intern that's helping with satchi, and my mom's friends with satchi's parents, so my mom keeps telling me how GREAT brad is, and today we started talking. it was strange. he's a senior in college. i felt really awkward but i couldn't help it.

in the afternoon i did lots of art. and gave a few people massages over lunch. well, i gave emily and grace head massages in the morning, and then leah over lunch, and then dan when he got back... uhhh, yeah, art. we chalked the wall down by the basement, and it looked really cool. then we worked on our dance. it's coming along really nicely. julia and i are partners and i think we're doing some cool stuff. then there was more art... drawing with ink and sticks. it came out really nice.

we didn't get to record our song but leah and i couldn't stay after cause we were meeting olivia at the movies. dan was all frustrated for some reason. he can be so serious sometimes now. he's not the same person, and you can't blame him, but that doesn't mean i like it.

so yeah... leah and libby and i saw monster house. it was SCARY! we were more scared than the little kids in there, lmao. and catching up with olivia was nice. i miss a lot of people from school.

cape cod is in two weeks-ish and rah is going to go with leah so she'll be there too. we're going to have a flipping blast and i can't wait. but i'm trying to hang on to landscapes right now, cause i know i'll be pining for it when it's over.

i'm seriously considering seeing where things go with canadan when i see him again.

xoxo



24 July 2006, 8:09 PM

all hail the heartbreaker
♪: gomez - how we operate

i needed today. he treats me like he treats all of us. and i'm okay with that. at least he's freaking talking to me first now. jeez. i just need to back to remembering all the things he did that made me think he wanted more. maybe that's still there and maybe he can't show it. who knows?

so, let's see. this is "production week" at landscapes. it basically means we're recording and rehearsing dances all week. in the morning with the little kids we recorded some more songs, and basically put together our dance. it's going to be cute. little katie was back and i realized she's been all mopey cause she's worried her grandma's going to die. it made me sad. :[

haha okay i did something really stupid... sometimes i slip with words... anyway, katie always says "prove it!" after stuff, and dan and i decided we were going to start saying that, and i go, "i'm going to do that after everything you say: 'i love you, annie.' 'prove it!'" LMAO, WHOOPS. i am such an idiot sometimes.

let's see... in the afternoon, we started art with brian. wahoo! it's always the best. we also tested our solar cookers by cooking marshmallows. they worked, all right... they were extremely messy. but they made good s'mores. then we worked on putting together our dance with the other group's music, and it's going to be freaking sweet. and after that we rehearsed our song a bit. it's going well. julia was sick so we couldn't record today but we're going to tomorrow. i think. and we're going to have like a "hidden track" with just us thinking of random ways to say "i mean, come on, would you want another hand?" hahaha. yay.

ummm that's about it. i was in the middle of a really good fanfic, only had one chapter to go, and then the site went down. i'm incredibly frustrated. :[

xoxo



23 July 2006, 4:33 PM

i'll take with me every single luxury when i leave
♪: taking back sunday - twenty-twenty surgery

dear adam lazzara,
you are a fucking moron.
why do you have to uglify yourself whenever you start to look good?!

i've had a rough couple of days, but i've been working with my head and i'm going to be okay. i'm frustrated with dan, as usual, but he doesn't have to be my whole life. my mom and i had a huge fight about it last night and i had a panic attack, couldn't stop sobbing and was about 30 seconds away from throwing up (had to get out the bag and gagged twice). but then i had a realization that i'm not 100% sure about anymore, but hey, it works. i'm not going to dwell on this anymore. i'm going to focus my energy on other things. i love life. i've always had that joy in myself about the basic things in life. cape cod is in two fucking weeks. i'm going to let that be amazing, like it always is. that's not even an expectation (expectations are horrible); it's knowledge. i'm going to start running often, because i just went for a walk and i feel incredible right now. i'm going to start reading classics. when school starts i'm going to pour tons of effort into my school work. and most importantly, i'm going to start caring about myself again, and stop dwelling on things and ATTEMPT to stop worrying.

i can do it.

so i ended up sleeping over at tsa's friday night with whitney, alicia and julia. julia passed out at about 11pm and the rest of us were up until like 5. hahaha. we played music and talked a lot and took some really hilarious pictures. then we pretty much all passed out at once and tsa's dad woke is up 4 hours later and said we had to leave in the next hour. ha! i woke up really anxious and started worrying all day. but it's cool.

i took about a half-hour nap and then went to leah's to watch movies. i could only stay for young frankenstein, but it was me and her and rachel and justin. i missed justin a lot. even though i didn't get to see him for that long. i cried a little in front of rachel and didn't feel much better but whatever.

then that night was babysitting maja. :D she is the cutest thing EVER, omg. we played a bunch of games and danced a little bit and ate ice cream... watched a couple of movies... it was so fun at the end cause she got really sleepy but didn't want to admit it. we were playing 'sorry!' on the bed and all of a sudden she just put her head down and wouldn't talk and i picked her up and went, "awww, you're sleepy! do you want to watch a movie?" and she just nodded... hehe aww. and i got paid to do that? good stuff.

i seriously slept for 12 hours last night. it felt pretty good. and kind of moped all day today until we went for a walk, and now i feel good. i can't wait to start running.

xoxo



21 July 2006, 9:48 PM

come on and twist a little closer now
♪: bright eyes - poison oak

adkjfa;ga;sgja things can be okay, yeah? i'm good. i'm really good. tonight was the picnic.

today was pretty sweet. in the morning we had basically NO kids... everyone just skipped or something. and we were recording our songs today. it made me sad. it sounded like just big people singing with ONE little kid voice. when we were doing one song satchi kept saying "achoo!" at the end of the lines. oh my god. it was the funniest thing ever. we have to re-record on monday. hahaha. and dan was playing guitar in john's place during movement, and it felt like old times.

in the afternoon whitney and tsa came to visit. yay! it was fun having even more people i know there and getting to show people what we're all about. i hope they had fun and weren't TOO weirded out. hahaha. anyway, we've pretty much finished our song and it's pretty funny. and we're starting to choreograph in dance... we did the same thing we've been doing the past few days, only a little more structured, and i had the idea to lift leah at the end and everyone did it and loved it. i was so proud. and happy that it looked so cool.

mmmm it started to rain before five and i was almost crying because i did NOT want the picnic to be cancelled. i don't think you understand... it's the highlight of my year. i've fantasized about it all year long. and i've been having hard times lately (not just dan drama; there's more family stuff that i really don't want to talk about... nothing TOO bad, don't worry, it's just tense around here) and if i hadn't had that i don't know what i would've done. but it stopped raining! wahoo!

i tiedyed for the first hour.. i don't know how mine came out yet but i helped a lot of people. aww dan was being cute too. he wanted to go get his face painted and he was all "come with meeeeee!" haha. i feel weird saying good things about him now for some reason...? please don't misunderstand me. he's really not a BAD person and i still obviously love him. so anyway the first song we all went to dance to was 'devil went down to georgia' and we all skipped in a circle and stuff... hahaha... took a few breaks here and there, which consisted of collapsing and water. my favorite songs were twist and shout OF COURSE, brown eyed girl (rah and i got all the attention) and rainy day women. during the last one we all put our arms around each other and screamed the "EVERYBODY MUST GET STONED!!!" hahaha yay.

i'm babysitting maja tomorrow evening and that makes me really happy cause she's my favorite little kid ever. she was at the picnic and i carried her around for awhile and she'd go, to random people, "she's gonna be my babysittuw tomowwow!" :D :D :D she talked to me a lot, and then i remembered last time she saw dan she went, "hey! i know youw name! wumpelstiltskin!" hahaha so we went and talked to him about that for awhile. and then she danced with us. asdkfja;g i love her.

at the end we all hugged a LOT and then i carried dan to his car again, continuing the tradition. good stuff. i feel good... really good. and if tsa calls me soon i'm going over there to visit them. yep.

xoxo