ack, the kids were so hyper today. it was kind of nutzoid. katie was in a really bad mood all day. she was pouty and wouldn't do anything in any classes and pretty much the only thing she said to me was "I WANT DAN!" and when i told her he was gone (co-motion), she goes "you're mean!" haha, yikes. she can be so moody. i can't imagine her as a teenager at all.

we finished the little kid song, arranged our dances, and wrote on balloons in the morning. i'm a bit frustrated because landscapes can be so focused on production now. we could be doing so much more if we didn't have to worry about putting the book, performance and cd together. i started to have an anxiety attack related to that in the afternoon, but i calmed down a bit.

i very nearly had a rough afternoon because we were trying to arrange our song and everyone was on edge and it just got tense. i especially hate when dan shuts down and gets moody. it makes me feel like i did something. even though i didn't. he honestly just got quiet. so yeah, we all perked up again when we wrote a cool bridge thingie about hair. ahhhh body part song.

dance saved my life again. pretty much. you know lately i've been freaking out because dan won't touch me or come to me ever. but in dance we've been doing so much working with each other that you can't not touch people. we did a lot of leaning on each other and lifts and things, and he could actually lift me... not like you think. we do these weird hip lift things. hehe, i was so happy, everyone was lifting me and i felt light. but anyway, after that dan and i hugged and then james mentioned something about partners and trios and he kinda moved to me and leaned against me. YAY! so he, julia and i were in a trio, which was so lovely. i like the way we worked together. so anyway, i realized that when he touches people it's just opportunity, and also when i'm looking for it all the time it feels like it's not there.

oh right, last night was project runway night... I CAN NOT BELIEVE THEY KICKED MALAN OFF!!! we were actually starting to like him, so we kinda flipped out. haha. and before that i watched 'bend it like beckham' with my mom. i missed that movie.

tomorrow is the picnic. i'm working with tie-dye from 5 to 6, then eating/helping out in various places, then from 7 to 9 dancing my ass off. hopefully when we're done i'll have some time to go to tsa's cause she's off and she's hanging out with people... if they go back there maybe i'll come see them. yay!

xoxo



19 July 2006, 4:59 PM

oh pilot, can you help me, can you make this last?
♪: taking back sunday - twenty-twenty surgery

oh. my. god. i feel so so so good right now. you don't even know. it's like, the shift happened. (have you read it's kind of a funny story yet?) just... everything's right. i could just cry.

this morning dan and i finally talked. i don't know what happened or how it started, but i basically realized something: he may have been weird to me one time, but then i started being the weird one, and he reacts off of other people. basically, he was an ass to me once, not even intending to hurt me, and then i was an ass to him for the rest of the week, intending to hurt him. i didn't think it was working. i still think he's an ass, but i know it's not my fault, and we still have this amazing friendship. all i can remember is hugging him and saying, "i'm sorry i'm being weird," and him just going "mmmm. it's okay, you have been all week." and us just laughing. and all of a sudden it was okay. and we talked and stayed together the rest of the day. and i'd fucking missed that.

oh right, in the afternoon emily and i skipped out on circle for a bit and went and talked for ages about dan. it made me feel both better and worse but eventually better, just getting things off my chest and knowing that the way i feel is okay. emily and i had such a good day. we hugged a lot. and i just love our friendship.

i wrote two sweet verses to our body parts song. they are about butts and bellybuttons. i was very proud of them and showed everyone. our song is coming along very nicely and i think everyone likes it. jon and emily and three girls wrote a pirate song. ARRRRR! it was so funny. i'm excited for this performance.

and then... ahhh oh my god. movement class. we've been experimenting with swinging each other around and then letting go and just letting the other person spin until they stop. so we did that, and then we lifted each other into the air and carried each other. and they could all actually lift me! it was great. then we did an improv where we reacted off of each other and it was just... ahhh. so many amazing moments. AND THEN. we moved as a group, alll effing twelve of us highschool kids, across the room. we collapsed on each other and just breathed together. it's the first time i've breathed WITH so many people at once. we were still there when james officially dismissed us to improv, so we sat there for awhile and then got up and had a group hug and then, since we're called 'the explosion', exploded out.

then it was improv. it was seriously my favorite improv ever. i let go, and i dueted with a bunch of people, and i seriously didn't stop smiling for an hour, i promise you. it's the first time my face has ever started to hurt from smiling. dan and i were just lying together at one point, and it's like... period at the end of the sentence. finally. and the way he smiled at me when we left each other (i would've said "said bye" but nobody says goodbye anymore). i swear i'm not idolizing him again, but how would you expect me to react when i finally fix things with one of my best friends?

the only bad thing about today is that i got my period and i was wearing white pants, BUT, i caught it before it got on my pants. go me! i have killer cramps now but i'll live. partially because i keep getting distracted from them.

AHHHHH OMG NEW TBS VIDEO!!!! adam = beautiful. this is officially the best day i've had since last tuesday which was the best day i had had in a very long time.

xoxo



18 July 2006, 9:59 PM

blowing all the other kids away
♪: the secret machines - the road leads where it's led

oh shit i have to blog. i'm going to make this quick because i really really want to go to sleep. i haven't been sleeping enough and i often act like a drunken fool because of it.

uhhh today was good. katie is adorable and she's been all over me. she got in a bad mood in writing and liz is just mean to her so she came and sat in my lap and cuddled with me instead. and i just hugged her and told her "hey! guess what? you can see dan when we go upstairs!" (he'd been gone to co-motion in the morning; katie is IN LOVE with him and missed him) and then she perked up and got all excited to go upstairs. omg it was so cute. she is the most adorable little kid. she and natalie were fighting over me during share and natalie seriously clawed my hadn and i've got red marks in the middle of it. OUCH.

in apprentices we did some writing, and i figured out something for the book, and it was really freaking hilarious because dan was reading my writing and giving me advice and (shh, julia) IT WAS ABOUT HIM. HAHAHA. and he didn't even know. HAHAHA. how funny.

we're writing a song about body parts, as i think i mentioned. julia wrote about eyebrows and came up with a sweet melody to go with it, and it makes it sound like eyebrows are superheros. we have a super song. and it was a blast working on it. we're going to have such a fun song.

tomorrow is improv and then project runway and then jera is coming to visit on thursday and i love improv and project runway and jera so i'm excited. then friday is the picnic. oh man. that means tie dye and dancing. a lot. oh hippies.

tonight i went to leah's to watch transamerica. it was sososo good! FREAKING WEIRD, but great. the main kid was effing sexy. he was good looking and he was a total whore. there was also a random hitchhiker guy that had dreads and was beautiful. i wish dan's would look like that. maybe if he lets them grow a bit more. then we read some of leah's 'giraffes? giraffes!' book which is basically the best and most random thing ever and makes us laugh. a lot.

you know what? i think i'm going to be okay. i'm not going to lie and say everything is amazing, because i still have moments where my stomach sinks and i worry about things, and i'm still having trouble trusting dan, and i'm still worried that i'm going to randomly become depressed again and ruin my summer. but i'm beginning to learn that 99% of it is in my head, and everything will be fine, one way or the other.

xoxo



17 July 2006, 5:08 PM

fashionably sensitive but too cool to care
♪: taking back sunday - what's it feel like to be a ghost?

it went well. i'm still terrified that things are going to stop going well. but i have to stop.

this morning katie was all over me. she is so freaking cute. jan said, "i'm seeing a relationship forming between the two of you and that's a very good thing." relationship meaning i spend the most time with her and kind of help her out. but she's with liz a lot, too, so who knows. although liz is really mean to her sometimes. *sigh* liz. katie declared me and sarah dan's "girlfriend one and girlfriend two". (sarah: "like thing one and thing two!") i'm girlfriend one. i felt proud; that's two years in a row. haha. dan said he's making me a shirt that says "dan's #1 girlfriend", but not to wear it around stephanie. hahaha. oh man.

we started writing today. oh, and in music, sarah and i helped idalis and katie write SWEET verses to our song. omg i love the red group so much. they're so smart and sweet and everything. i sat next to natalie at writing, and she kept saying "i'm bad, i can't" and i told her the story of the little engine that could, saying "i know it sounds cheesey, but it really works" and later, when i said i couldn't draw a horse, she said, "remember, 'i think i can!'" i felt so proud!! hahaha.

in the afternoon first we had writing and wrote words all over our bodies with face paint. it was so neat. i have 'metamorphosis' across my upper chest. dan kept trying to combine the word on his face with that one. *sigh* dan. after that we worked on songs... leah, sarah, rachel, james, julia, dan and i and maybe emily are doing a body part song. it'll be cool. i think. then in dance we did the 'seaweed in water' experiment thingie and i was partners with julia and it was a blast.

i had such a good day and i really hope i can stop worrying about the rest of the week not going as well. i don't even know what i'm afraid of.

xoxo



16 July 2006, 8:56 PM

there's always something more you wish he'd say
♪: jewel - foolish games

so let me start out by saying that i'm scared landscapes isn't going to be good tomorrow. when i think about relaxing and having fun with my friends and enjoying summer, that sounds great, but then i worry that (and this is ridiculous, and i know this, but my brain can't stop) dan will spend the entire time with leah and sarah and ignore me and i'll have a miserable time. shut up, annie, he doesn't hate you. or even dislike you. or even anything less than love you. it's just... i can't help but worry sometimes! i'm really sorry! and more than anything in the world i wish it would go away, because sometimes it can really tear me up. *sigh*

yesterday i slept in and then went shopping with my mom. i ended up getting *four* pairs of shorts, which was amazing because i can hardly ever find shorts that fit me. i only had one pair, and i've had them since like... 4th grade. no lie. i kind of relaxed all day after that and at the end of the day i watched 'elephant'. it was really artsy, really weird, and pretty sad. there was a scene with boys kissing in the shower, though, and that was damn hot.

today i went to tom sawyer with whitney and leah and leah's mom. it was really, really good. i was pleasantly surprised. rachel was freaking fabulous, of course. she gets better with every role, i think. afterwords whitney and i went along to the cast party. it was at julia's house and i swam and hottubbed and ate a lot. i came home kind of early because i just felt like it and i didn't want to force myself to stay. to be honest, i've been needing my mom a lot lately, and don't make fun of me because i think it's a great thing that we have a close relationship. note that she's also a counselor and i've been having a hard time.

cross your fingers for me tomorrow. god, i hope it goes well.

xoxo