today i came to a very important conclusion.

dan is an asshole.

this does not mean that i can't like him. in fact, i still do. i'm just fucking sick of the world revolving around him and getting my heart broken. i have to be sensitive to the fact that he is prone to become an asshole at any given point, and it is not my fault.

and, no matter how much i like him, he's not a fucking god. (thank you julia)

i was lying with emily at one point and i was sad and i kind of sighed, and she asked what was wrong. after thinking for a moment, i finally said "dan's an asshole." after that, i sort of shouted "THAT FELT SO GOOD TO SAY!" and got up and leaped in the air. after much giggling and such i told her a story (sometimes she interjected):
"i had a fabulous morning and then i tried to talk to dan and he wouldn't talk to me or look at me, because he's an ass. i asked him about that and he only gave me short, rude answers." "you know why?" "why?" "because he's an ass!" "and then he went, right in front of me, and asked leah to my fair lady tonight. because he's an ass. then i went and cried to my mom, and do you know what she said? 'he's an ass.' then i came back and talked to leah and she said 'he's an ass'. then he became less of an ass, and that was okay, but i finally realized that HE'S AN ASS!"
i told more people that story later and i felt much better.

all of that story was true. it was wonderful when he became less of an ass. we were playing with magnetic poetry again and he was giving me all the dirty phrases because i accidentally wrote a sex poem yesterday. that was so much fun. and i made him laugh. he and leah and i decided we're writing a silly song this year. it'll be good.

anyway, after break/the ass story was movement. dan came in late and emily said "here comes the ass." and then i sang that (we were whispering, obviously) in the 'here comes the bride' tune. teeheee. then we did this movement punching excercise and i ended up punching right in his direction. it felt so good. and movement was a blast. half of us made up a really silly dance and the other one was all long and deep and stuff and we felt silly. but it was still great.

ps. leah said no to going with him tonight! GO HER. and he tried to persuade her rather than asking someone else. i mean, DUH. i was right there and i'd already complained that he didn't ask me. but obviously i'm not good enough to have him grace my presence.

tonight i'm staying home. last night i went and visited cousins and i was so tired that it wasn't really much fun. but taking back sunday saved my life on the drive. how does he always manage to write the soundtrack to my life? miami was always my favorite, but now it really means something to me. think of miami as the equivolent of my last summer. yep.

xoxo



13 July 2006, 4:51 PM

i'm feeling like i might need to be near you
♪: jack's mannequin - MFEO

warning: this entry is really long and really scattered and possibly hard to follow. but it felt damn good typing it out.

okay, so i swear to god this is the first chance i've had to write since monday. well, that's a lie... i updated my lj really quickly yesterday cause my friends were pestering me to tell them about 'the best day of my life' (tuesday... more about that later). so i will update momentarily, but first...

DEAR ANNIE,
JUST BECAUSE DAN IS NOT ALL OVER YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY DOES NOT MEAN HE HATES YOU. IN FACT, YOU KNOW THAT HE IS FAR FROM HATING YOU. YOUR BRAIN WORKS IN A DISTORTED WAY. REMIND YOURSELF OF THIS OFTEN.

anyway! i totally forgot to mention that tuesday was the jack's mannequin concert! i can't remember anything that happened during landscapes that day... except that it rained and olivia (really adorable little asian girl) started loving me. i'm going to copy the rest of tuesday from my lj, rather than typing it up again...

sarah wasn't allowed to ride with dan so we ended up squishing in the back seat with my parents driving. this turned out to be a good thing. haha.
i don't know if i've mentioned this but i've been scared lately because he hasn't been as... touchy feely with me. but like, how do you ask somebody about that? "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH ME ANYMORE?!" hahaha. i think it's just my imagination because i'm seeing him every day now, so it's not like "we have to get all the cuddle time in nowwwwww." and it's not as if he's cuddling with anyone else either. so.
it's a two-hour drive from here to cleveland. fun stuff. dan, me, sarah in the back seat. i obviously love dan and sarah is one of my bestbestbest friends right now cause we've been doing everything together. haha. she's such a sweetheart.
we got to the venue about an hour early and got great spots in line and in the venue. it was smallish, which was great because my last two shows were at amphitheaters.
the first band was this is me smiling. quoth dan: "and this is me frowning." i don't know, they weren't bad... there was just nothing special about them and in my opinion they played way too long. after they played this really tall guy moved in front of us and sarah is really short so she couldn't see. i couldn't really either. but we managed to find windows for jack's.
after waiting for ages they FINALLY came on. oh. my. god. seeing andrew mcmahon live is the most indescribable experience. he played 'everything in transit' in order... holiday from real (because it was the first song) and MFEO were the best, in my opinion. at the end of MFEO he started singing "with or without you" and then it kicked back in... oh my god.
the encore was by far the best part though. he came out and told a story about his sister katie, who was in the audience, who i guess donated bone marrow for him? and then he played a song for her for the first time ever... oh my god, sarah and i cried so much. AND OMG! he also said "my sister also introduced me to my future wife." WTF?! and then he blew a kiss to katie.
so then he played 21 AND INVINCIBLE, ME AND THE MOON, and MEET ME AT MY WINDOW!!!!!!!! i spazzed so much over the last one and got stared at. lmao. and then and then and then.... they played 'american girl'. dan had the most fun during that and he kept looking at me. *giggle* he was really looking and smiling at me during one particular verse, and i couldn't understand/remember the words of the song, so i remembered one line and looked it up later... And for one desperate moment there/ He crept back in her memory/ God, it's so painful when something that's so close/ Is still so far out of reach *dead*
andrew did a stage dive at the end and i was SO close to touching him, but i couldn't quite get there. wowwwwww.
i was on the hugest post-concert high... now here comes the best part; putting these two things together, THAT'S how you equal the best day of my life.
we were all really tired so we kind of almost slept in the car on the way home. i started leaning my head on dan's shoulder and ended up pretty much lying in his lap. it was really hard to get comfortable, so we moved around a lot, and once when i was REALLY in his lap i said "i don't like this position." and he said "i like it." i go, "you would." and sit up again... "nooooo! come back!" so i managed to make myself more comfortable on him. hehe. we dozed and every once in awhile we'd wake up and whisper to each other and change positions or something. once we were leaning our heads together, mine sideways against his, and he blew in my ear... it was so cute and i giggled a lot and he goes "are you laughing at me?" hehehe. just feeling his breathing slow underneath me... falling asleep with someone like that is the best thing ever... he actually fell asleep toward the end of the ride, and sarah and i just giggled at him because his mouth came open once. so effing cute.
just... i can't even explain to you how effing amazing it felt. sleeping (you know, not in a pervy way) with somebody i love, and it was sort of lightly raining out, and it was late at night... so intimate and wonderful. but it didn't feel wrong. or anything. and thank god my parents weren't paying attention the whole time. haha.
i was worried he wouldn't get into his dad's house to sleep and he'd have to sleep in the car (i offered to let him sleep on the couch here but that wasn't really going to happen) but he did. phew. haha.
so. uh. i'm in love with andrew mcmahon and dan. the end.

quite honestly, that was the best day of my life to date.

and wednesday and today sucked. see my note to myself up there. i get upset over absolutely nothing and then i'm upset that i'm upset over nothing. my brain tells me that i'm doing things wrong and he's going to hate me and nothing's changed. the worst part is, i wanted this to be as good as last year, and last year i could just let it be. because of the person i've become, i can't do that anymore. i'm going to try to learn how again, because it feels amazing. just... this year has beat the shit out of me, leah and rachel, and we're not the same, but i need to learn to be okay with that. and that's what i've worked out through probably collective hours of crying on leah and sarah's shoulders and talking to my mom. i also need to remind myself of the feelings i had in the car on tuesday - that "this is what dan and i have been needing." and it wasn't even making out or screaming at each other.

uhhh yeah, other than the crying and being vaguely depressed, stuff has been going really well. right now the bad is overpowering the good, but i'm sure i'll focus on the good later. movement class has been amazing, with james as the teacher (eleanor today). oh oh oh!!! i was crying before improv yesterday, and i finally went to dance, and emily grabbed me and we spun around in the middle. earlier i'd seen dan look at me all worried, and once i started letting go and having fun i looked over at him and he was looking at me with this big smile. SEE?! IT'S FINE!! in fact, it's MORE than fine!! stupid. (don't mind me talking... uhh, blogging... to myself.)

in other news, the cutest little girls in our group have fallen in love with me. i love when that happens... on the first day i'll be like "omg, she's adorable." and then said "she" will be all over me. hehe. right now it's alissa, madison, katherine (sarah's cousin) and olivia (the asian girl). i'm very happy about that. hehe.

oh, duh. leah came over yesterday to watch the season premiere of project runway. she came over early and braided my hair into a bunch of tiny braids (crazy hair day the next day, dontcha know) and we watched 'murderball', which was so amazing!! runway is going to be effing awesome, too.

and just... god, it's landscapes. no matter how bad i'm feeling, it's going to be the environment i love. that's important. and i need to let it feel good again.

xoxo



10 July 2006, 5:44 PM

i hope that love he gave you was just enough to save you
♪: the all-american rejects - it ends tonight

haha, ok, i was talking to julia earlier about her guessing that i was going to put something in my blog today (she guessed right. more about that later. ;]) and i realized it's kind of odd-funny that she's with me all day and sees all these things that i see and now she gets to hear what i think of them. haha. HI JULIA!!! :P

so... today was the first day of landscapes!!! SQUEEEEEE!!! it was wonderful, of course. all the kids in the red group are really cute, and pretty well-behaved. we shared two things today, which means we're doing really well already. hehe. this one girl, alissa (or alyssa, who knows) loves me already and is all over me, and she's adorable so it makes me really happy. :] let's see... jeff, our science teacher, is still trying to teach 7 year olds neuroscience. i think some of them fell asleep. just... sigh.

apprentices was lovely. i'm in the group of the twelve highschool age kids, and we freaking rock. we renamed ourselves 'the explosion'... dan said "hey annie! guess what i want our group to be called?" "let me guess... the explosions? no, wait, the explosion is better!" and that's the story of how we were renamed 'the explosion' instead of 'group b'. hehe. nancy is teaching us science and james is teaching us dance, which, i think, will be pretty sweet.

so here comes the predictable blogging moment. :D we're in science and talking about changes we've observed, so we can focus on energy (this year's theme! i forgot to mention that.) and dan goes into this whole big thing about when somebody's lying on your chest and you can hear your heartbeat louder and stuff... don't worry, it made sense... the thing is, he described it as "an intimate moment", which was really surprising (GOOD surprising) to me because, well... we do it all the time. haha. and i've never seen him do it with anyone else except stephanie. mmmf. so i was happy. but it was sort of akward. el oh elz.

so yeah... i'm so happy. honestly happy. i get to be around some of my favorite people in my absolute favorite atmosphere, and the first day was incredible. i hope it stays like this... and the thing is, i know it will. ♥

xoxo



09 July 2006, 9:16 PM

meet me in the middle
♪: the format - she doesn't get it

*blogs again today because more stuff happened and she needs to start bloggging every evening anyway*

leah came over to watch the soccer, but we really only got to see the first half before we had to leave for landscapes. i was rooting for france and she was rooting for italy, so it was exciting. haha. i'm really pissed that france lost, but it's okay cause i do feel like italy sort of deserved it. and it was a great game... the half that i watched. haha.

landscapes orientation was fucking awesome. sarah and i didn't actually have to work, because there were plenty of interns, so we went up to work on writing the song with richard and some more apprentices. dan had his guitar and we were writing lyrics and made a ridiculously catchy melody and it just... felt so right. this is seriously the highlight of my year, and i can't even begin to explain to you how much i feel "in my element".

i had to go change to go to my great uncle's birthday dinner, and i put on my little polka dotted skirt and white cardigan thingy, and went to stand with sarah and leah while i was waiting for my ride. dan comes over and goes, "you look really pretty for your great uncle's birthday party." of course i thought he was being sarcastic, so i go, "don't worry, my cousin is the biggest prep in the universe, so she'll definitely out-prep me." and he says, definitely serious, "i don't think it looks preppy, just pretty." and then he kinda looks at me cutely and goes, "you need a ride home?" hahaha. "ohhh yeahhh, you want to give me a ride home in this miniskirt, eh?"

do you know what else makes me really happy? i'm sorry, this is about dan again... so for his [very late] birthday/graduation, i made him a mix cd of songs that remind me of him/times we've had together. my absolute favorite memory with him EVER was when we were driving late at night, just us two, and 'lua' by bright eyes came on his ipod and it was all quiet except for us singing along. so i put that song on the cd... and he remembered. :] it makes me happy because he hardy ever remembers anything i remember, and he said himself he only remembers things that had "an emotional impact" on him. so yeah.

after all that was uncle jack's birthday. all my relatives hadn't seen me in awhile and kinda went crazy over me. haha. i felt special. because you know i love getting attention, and i hardly ever do from my relatives. :]

LANDSCAPES STARTS TOMORROW. that is all. *dies*

xoxo



09 July 2006, 10:37 AM

still, each time i always meant every word, every one
♪: AFI - prelude 12/21

kay, so... pirates yesterday was just as good, if not better, cause i caught more things. dan and i basically stayed together the whole time, which was cool. it honestly feels like we're dating sometimes. haha. i'm so mean to him sometimes, though, and i feel kind of bad and i hope he knows that i'm kidding. i'm going to try to stop. oh yes, when we were waiting in line jon was dressed up as a pirate and acting like one. all drunk and stuff. it was the oddest thing. we made fun of him. a lot. hahaha.

dan and i sat next to each other, duhhh. during the lady at the beginning that says "whispering is talking! it bothers people." he goes, VERY LOUDLY, "YOU bother people!" ack. funny, but embarassing. haha. he moved the armrest up and i said, "you know now i'm going to either rest my arm on you or fall on you." and he said, "you would have anyway." teasingly. but then i felt predictable so i didn't lean on him or anything. i wish i would have. i'm not sure but he might have been disappointed. i also think he was annoyed with me gushing over depp. oh well. we have so many almost-fights it's ridiculous, but it always ends up okay. obviously. anyway, i'd be sad if i didn't get to see him every day for the next three weeks. hahaha.

i also saw jill's baby yesterday! and got to hold her. she's soooooo cute. she's a perfect combination of jill and john. hehe. i'm so excited.

today is landscapes orientation. before that leah's coming over to watch the soccer, and after all of it i get to go to my great-uncle's birthday party. hahaha. fun stuff. get to see all of my CRAZY relatives. my distant relatives are even crazier than the close ones, if you can believe that.

xoxo