today was... nearly terrible. so you know how I have a worrying problem and worry about absolutely everything? picture that, multiply it by at least 4, and that's how much I worry about Dan. all the time. and this morning I was sooo anxious. why? I haven't had contact with or word of him for a week and a half, and last time that happened it was because of something awful. I'm sure he's just away... their French Club should be taking their trip around now... but I still can't help but worry. I'm going to feel like an idiot later, I know it, and I also know that this isn't getting me anywhere, but let's just say it can't be said that I worry for nothing. ANYWAY. today we re-recorded old songs for Creating Landscapes, and I just *knew* he wouldn't be there. guess what, that's the second time recently that something I worried about actually went wrong.

no Dan, OF COURSE, and everyone else was tired and stuff. I was trying to have fun but it was so hard. I almost got it near the end, when we were shouting random stuff while recording the songs. haha. it'll sound cool. we were recording a slightly ho-down ish song, and Jonathan, going the instrumental, goes, "guess what? I gots 10 fingers and 10 toes!" and, brilliantly, Danielle responded, "well, tarnation, Jon, I only gots 9!" XD it's so funny.

yesterday I went to Donnelle's... Chris, Tsa, Kelly, Joey, and Olivia, maybe? we played a lot of Picture War and Apples to Apples, which are the best games ever. it was just a good time. and tonight I'm sleeping over at Abby's, maybe with Melissa. we're watching movies.

tomorrow is the benefit concert for Landscapes. I get to worry all day. great.

xoxo



14 June 2006, 2:28 PM

all the pain that you hide from me every day
♪: coldplay - speed of sound

OK, I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT HAD BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I UPDATED. I SUCK. basically my BUSY WEEK has consisted of:
-dance recital
-bikini shopping
-finals
-ending school!
-graduation
-being sick/sleeping
-being obsessed with greatestjournal
-pirates game
-hanging out with emily
so i'l start at the very beginning.
last tuesday was our dance recital. whitney came over early and came to watch me. THANKS WHITNEY! haha. so i nailed almost everything, except that i was shaking during all of modern, and i got dizzy during both modern and ballet, and i couldn't get up en pointe for the VERY END of the pointe dance, but that was always a stretch and it didn't really matter anyway. but i was really happy, and a little sad that i wouldn't be able to do it again. i saw dan. his dreads are awful. but he came over and hugged me and i went "i'm all sweaty!" and he goes "it's ok, that's how i like you." i died a little.

wednesday, i probably didn't do anything. thursday, leah and i went bikini shopping at value city, because we're going to make duct tape and ribbon biknis. haha. it was so much fun. i actually like the one i got. and i'll wear it.

friday was THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! we basically didn't do anything all day. played lots of cards and stuff. after that about 15 of us went to dinner at julian's. julia's idea! and it was a great one. i sat with canadan, olivia, leah and sometimes donnelle or chris. after that we walked around town a bit and then went to graduation. i surprisingly didn't cry. hugged everyone afterword, and stuff. joey's leaving soon for the air force and maybeprobably not coming back. then i almost cried. doughty hugged me. it may have been the first time he ever hugged anyone. hahaha, amazing. i was going to go to melissa's but then i got really sick. sicker than i was all day. so i went home. and slept. and that's basically all i did until tuesday.

OMG, I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THE NEW SCHOOL, specifically eugene lang. you're going to have a hard time keeping me out of NYC if i get in.

yesterday we drove down to the burgh with leah's family. i bought new sunglasses on the way down, at AE, cause i broke mine AGAIN. these ones are close to the first pair i ever had. i'm excited. then we ate soooo much indian food. we were all bloated for hours. haha. and then the pirates game. we lost, but it was so fun. we had great seats and the city is gorgeous. as always. i got really car sick on the way home but i was speaking a lot of french (my ipod died), haha.

today i went and took a walk with emily and then hung out over there. they have a SWEET new computer. i really want a mac. haha. we took hilarious pictures that i want.

later i'm going to donnelle's, which will be great, and then tomorrow i get to record for landscapes and then go hang out with abby. i'm 'cited.

SO BASICALLY IT'S SUMMER VACATION AND THAT IS BEYOND AMAZING.

i'm going to make a new layout today... it's going to be either becky filip or a nice landscape, or both. hahaha.

ps. itunes radio is the best thing since... ever. i can't believe i just discovered it.

xoxo



06 June 2006, 4:44 PM

guess what, i'm done writing your book
♪: jack's mannequin - la la lie

i suck at updating. basically.

umm... sooo... after doing nothing on saturday i watched 'almost famous'. I. LOVED. IT. i'm going to buy it. it's like exactly my kind of movie. so i was happy. and that's pretty much saturday. i could've gone to jillian's but i didn't. and i didn't have anything for her anyway.

sunday we went to a little baseball game with leah's family. it was long and boring and we lost. and the mascot sat on my lap, and i'm afraid of mascots, so i didn't have much fun. hahaha. i ate junkfood all day. we went and got icecream and then went to the beach. it was so nice. leah and i decided to make dresses and bikinis and have a photoshoot. haha. i'm so excited.

the seniors were done yesterday and i was sad. but i got lots of hugs. and i'm going to get into graduation if it kills me. haha.

last night was dress rehearsal for dance. we did each dance like 3 times and i nearly passed out. but i'm still excited to show off and stuff tonight. and i get to see PEOPLE. teeheehee.

patrick and lindsay and somebody else stole our french final so now we have a new one tomorrow. and no notecards. i'm pissed, but not nearly as pissed as madame.

i thought i had a lot more to say.

xoxo



03 June 2006, 11:27 AM

i could use a hero right now
♪: taking back sunday - brooklyn (if you see something, say something)

i've been working on getting better all week, but i just had a panic attack. i don't know where it came from and it was scary. i mean, my mom and i had a fight that was absolutely NOTHING, and i was frustrated and i just started screaming, and she had to leave to go somewhere, but i kept screaming and crying after she left. i thought i was going crazy but my mother the counselor called and i told her everything and she said that was a panic attack. it's the first time that has actually happened to me, so now i know how to differentiate between panic and anxiety. and i'm not sure which i hate more. i think i'm just fed up with the world and not knowing why i'm unhappy so much, and also that i'm subconsciously hiding it because i've become so shallow that i can get distracted easily. i know this is a good thing, but the problem is that it doesn't seem to anyone like i need help, even though i do. i just don't know what, exactly... but i'm trying hard... but that's enough of that. i'm getting my mind off of it now.

the first few days this week it was in the 90s. it's amazing, except that it's really uncomfortable because our school is an oven. but hell, i'd rather be burning up than cold. and also our dance studio is really hot so she had to go easy on us at practice. we took pictures thursday and my costumes/poses looked great. i think this is my favorite year for costumes so far. i can't wait until monday and tuesday. oh god, i'm WAY too excited for that. but that's not a bad thing, eh? :] look, a smile!

i also had a crapload of tests this week. we had our math final which SUCKED ASS. most of it was impossible to figure out with the time limit, but you only need, like, 40 out of 80 total to get a b. so i'm thinking i'll be fine. i also had a little french quiz and a history test... aced the history test, which was good, and i'm 99% sure i got 100 on the french test, because it was the exact same activities we'd done in class, and i could do all of those. our finals are monday and tuesday.

yesterday in GATE we played teamwork games and stuff... you know, fitting a certain number of people onto a small tarp, and things. we had to put people on our backs and shoulders. and hold hands with different people in a circle and untangle ourselves. you know? haha, they were all so physical. once we had to pass a key without using our hands and it REALLY looked like keith and brandon kissed. best thing ever. <3

last night i went out to dinner with my grandma and parents (fun...) and i was originally going to stay home but then i went over to rachel and emily's and we watched brokeback mountain. i only cried a little. but this time what really got me was [SPOILER!!!] watching jack die [END SPOILER!!] because... just... ouch. i thought about dan a lot for some reason... haha, scratch the 'for some reason'... because of the country scenes; i was saying that when i drive the first thing i want to do is just drive out somewhere randomly and he automatically said "come see me." it made me happy. i miss him. that could be part of everything.

i think i might rent 'fight club' today. or maybe not. i dunno.

xoxo



29 May 2006, 1:19 PM

and you can tell everybody that this is your song
♪: modest mouse - gravity rides everything

i think this is going to be all about dan, and quite long, because he's all that's on my mind. as usual. deal.

yesterday was... i don't know, it was okay. up and down. for the first couple of hours or so we just chilled. i did a crossword puzzle with joey and dan and later leah and christine. then leah waxed dan's dreads. they still look horrendous. i hate them. a lot. he's still dan and stuff, but his hair used to be so lovely and now he looks like pinhead. or something.

a few of us started to watch reservoir dogs but gave up because everyone left. and it was cooler upstairs. and then everyone went outside to eat but i wasn't hungry and it was just me, dan, stephanie and chris's mom in the room. i saw dan and steph kiss for the first time. it was weird. then i left and chris's mom left shortly afterword. and they were alone for a long time. and i was trying not to flip out. i've never been jealous of her before for some reason. i realized that he acts the same way around her in public as he acts around me (when she's not there). it's odd.

i stayed outside and hot tubbed for awhile (it felt cool because it was so freaking hot outside. odd effect.) and then i went and started to watch 'serenity' while cuddling with joey. then serenity got boring and i found out dan and leah were going to leave to go to x-men so i had to go cry for a bit. the oddest thing was that steph was going to drive them because neither has a car. so i decided that if she could be okay with it, i could too. i asked chris, "how can she be okay with it when i'm not?" and he said, "because she's had to deal with a lot worse." and i said, "like what?" and he said, "you." that kind of made me feel bad for the first time. i'm not trying to steal him. it's not all me. so i went and 'watched more of serenity' which was really: a)saying something mean to dan which led to more later [will explain], b)crying [silently] on chris's shoulder for awhile, c)sitting next to dan [steph was on the other side] and watching him kiss and hug her and learning to be okay with that, and d)cringing at all the gross dead people and puke and everything i hate. i basically hated serenity. steph left because leah wanted to finish serenity before seeing x-men, and steph had to go home.

then a bunch of us went way upstairs to chris's bedroom to play cards because we got sick of the movie. i didn't feel like playing so i sorta dozed on dan's lap. haha. basically he and leah didn't end up going to x-men and i think they're going today but i was okay with it. i started crying again later because i didn't want to think of the bad day i was going to have the next day, aka today. hah. leah comforted me the best she could, joey danced with me and hugged me and told me lots of things that made me happy, and dan just held me and played with my hair and sang one of the lovesongs from moulin rouge to me. heh. i felt better for a bit.

so i left early and went in and out of sleep all night. i woke up feeling like shit because i couldn't figure out why dan always initiates things with leah and never rachel or me, as we need him way more. so i decided to call him. i did that around 11 and i'm so glad i did. i'd love to tell about everything but there are certain things i feel like i shouldn't. but i can say that i know i won't be upset about him and leah doing things alone anymore, and i still feel like i can talk to him about anything, and i know he loves me, and everything is going to be okay. i just wish i could hang on to that reassuring feeling forever.

i have some more homework to do today, and then nine more days of school. i'll make it, i know i will. it just might be hard. but i can do it.

xoxo