so on thursday it kind of hit me that i've been depressed for awhile. it's just this constant feeling of dread because i've felt like if i don't worry about things they won't turn out well. i realized that it had been there for awhile and i had just gotten really good at hiding it and occasionally putting it at the back of my mind, so nobody knew. heck, it's better than being mopey all the time. but i can't do it anymore. so i decided to make some changes. i stopped taking my anxiety medecine, because it was totally numbing me. i can't remember the last time i've been really excited. i also realized that worrying all the time is much worse than occasional disappointment. so i'm training my mind. i'm getting somewhere, i think, but i'm still not totally happy, and it's really hard work. i hate it. and when things really upset me i hate getting attention for them, so i don't want to talk about it anymore.

school has still been really hard. we have a million things due and i'm just ready for it to be done. i think that's all i have to say about that.

so i'd had this bad feeling about seeing dan on saturday all week. i don't know, i was just like... pardon the pun... dreading it. (we were doing his dreadlocks) i finally stopped and started to tell myself that it was going to be fine. so i call leah in the morning to see what's up and when i should come over and it turns out dan has fucking rolled his car over. yeah. he's completely fine, but the car is totaled. he got a ride to leah's and we still did the dreads, but i was really shaken up. the second i stop worrying, you know? it's no wonder i feel this way... there goes his second life, eh? fricking cat. anyway, i had to leave in the middle to go to a baby shower (boring as hell and i was depressed/anxious the whole time cause i wanted to go back to leah's) and then i came back and we basically did the dreads all day. they look awful right now because they stick up all over everywhere. *SIGH* i miss his hair already. haha, late at night my dad came to pick me up and he was sitting there for a long time, and the first thing i said was, "sorry, i fell asleep on dan and then i had to go change my pants... hang on, let me rephrase that." i had been wearing leah's pants cause i was sick of my skirt. haha.

today chris is having a movie party and i'm not sure how i feel about that. but i'm going.

xoxo



24 May 2006, 8:44 PM

you could hide beside me, maybe for awhile
♪: taking back sunday - miami

(i could listen to this song FOREVER. nonstop.)

life... is hard. everything is so up and down. i was in the worst possible mood this morning. i cried a little in study hall. and i cried last night. i've just had it with everything i have to do. school is so tedious, and finals are coming up, and we just have so much stuff due. and last night at dance sucked so much because none of us could move and she was shouting at us that we sucked. basically. and there's only one minute-and-a-half dance in between modern and ballet. i am going to die. i hope it works out.

my day brightened in chemistry-ish? maybe? no? well... it at least brightened at lunch. jon came and sat with us randomly. we talked about his music video and his potential dreads. he convinced me that they're not going to look so bad. dan's doing his dreads on saturday. more about that later. but yeah, he's shooting his video today. more about that later. again. but i couldn't go for the whole time because of presenting GATE projects and an appointment.

i went to the college picnic for about half an hour. good-ish food, cute boy, fun friends. we rushed to present GATE projects then. rach and i sang and then i stood by my display and watched chris's video. i'm honestly not even relieved that it's over.

after that rach, chris and i went to jon's videoshoot. we really didn't do anything cause he was working out technical stuff the entire time. dan was there. he says he and leah are just doing his dreads saturday and they'd call me if they needed me. i explained to him that she didn't even do a single one of her own and they don't even know that she can do them. and we had a big almost-fight, like we do, because we know each other well enough that we can be open like that but also have to be careful. you know? so yeah, he apparently just doesn't want a lot of people "touching his head", WHAT-FUCKING-EVER, but we finally workd out that i'm at least coming and hanging out. just me. but during that semi-argument, a lot of things came out that i'd been wanting to say to him for awhile. and i feel so glad that i can. and we cuddled a bit after that (jon was still doing technical stuff, rofl). so it's ok, but like... we're at this point where we either need to make out or scream at each other. it's so frustrating. but yeah... saturday. gosh, he (dan) was sitting on my lap and had his cheek against mine and he REALLY needs to shave and now my cheek's all irritated. hahaha. it's tingly. oh god i am such a dork. i need it to be saturday. what a freaking long two days.

xoxo



22 May 2006, 7:47 PM

hands to fuel desire
♪: the all-american rejects - dance inside

so FINALLY something goes my way. although i did spend all day worrying about it. but i got exactly what i needed, for once, and that feels amazing. i can't even describe it. more later.

god, i was so tired this morning. even though i went to bed really early. i can't remember when. but still. i couldn't get up this morning at all, and it was a really bad day to be slow, because i wanted to a)take my big GATE visual up to jill's room, b)get a pass to make up gym, and c)turn in my note from not being at school the other day. but, alas, i didn't get to school until 2 minutes before i had to be in homeroom. so i ran to homeroom, told him i was there, and then took my visual upstairs. so yeah, no gym makeup and i have to turn in my note tomorrow.

today was so long. we had this quiz in chemistry and OF COURSE for the first day EVER i hadn't brought my old notes with me, and we needed them. so i totally winged it. but i think i got a few things right, and the quiz was only 15 points, and i got 48/48 on the last quiz/test, so i should be fine. :] i presented my project in GATE and i liked talking about shakespeare a lot. haha.

we had a meeting about landscapes at like 4. emily came home with me and then we went. of course i was freaking myself out that dan wasn't going to come because my karma has been off like that and yeah. but after a bit jan said, "oh, and dan's coming, but he'll be late." i erupted into tiny hearts for the first time of many today. hehe. soooo we're picking songs for our creating landscapes greatest hits cd and we went and watched/listen to all the old songs and i got SO NOSTALGIC. my favorite is the "i'm going down the road" blues because it brings back memories of when i was really little... it was amazing watching it on tape because i can still remember it being one of the best moments of my life, and i was like... 8. haha. so yeah, dan came. sat next to me and we cuddled bunches. and massaged each other. and kissed in random places like always. he's like... always on me. and he had the opportunity to sit next to either me or leah and he picked me, which was lovely reassurance. but i am so angry... his hair is SO LOVELY right now and he's... doing dreads. jesus. it's going to look so bad. but he said i could help do them. so i will. and like... it was just us after everybody left, cause he was taking me home, and it was just us and jan who thinks we're dating and it felt like we were dating. and i should probably feel bad about that. but i don't. whatever.

so yeah... soon we're all going to start re-recording the old songs and once that is done landscapes will start and i'm about the happiest person alive right now. and i'm not going to start studying for finals like i originally planned to. and you can't make me. :P

xoxo



21 May 2006, 4:41 PM

don't wake me; i plan on sleeping in
♪: taking back sunday - ghost man on third

it's been way too long so i think i'll just do highlights... that night at dance i talked to dan a bit and we were both in good moods and he dumped water on me and stuff. hehe. i felt so good after that.

LAST friday night we had a girls' night out. :] it was me, tsa, whitney, julia and alicia. we went to perkins and then to see 'poseidon'. it was sososo much fun. we took photobooth pictures and stuff. and i saw jonny a bit. talked to him about prom. we kinda decided neither of us really cared about going so me making him take me was pointless. haha. and i was feeling really witty and fun and it was good.

that saturday we did leah's dreads!! there were way too many people there to keep track of so i won't list them. it took twelve hours and many movies. and my hands hurt a lot the next day. but they look awesome and i'm quite proud.

next day was mother's day. my family is lovably insane. i had damn good pasta. and then i went shopping and spent WAY too much money.

last week is a total blur. honestly. we had band rehearsals and stuff and the concert went well. edith and i nailed our horn solo-duet thing. i talked to jonny a lot during rehearsals. he was filming and stuff and he said he filmed me a lot to see if i'd notice. haha, i love him. i love calling him 'jonny' too.

i stayed home from school friday because track and field and activity day were cancelled so i was all ready to stay home and i needed a mental/physical health day. i watched 'finding neverland' and bawled harder than i have in months. that night i did the lamest thing - watched pride and prejudice with my mom and grandma. i liked seeing the movie again.

i worked on homework all day yesterday so i could go to julia's prom party all night and sleep/relax all day today. the party was so fun. again, the whole night is kind of a blur. but i can remember hot tubbing, playing 'blurt', sleeping on both joey and canadan, attempting to sleep through 'van helsing', yelling at canadan for sitting up and being creepy, trying to get chris to stop snoring, and finally falling asleep across joey's feet and next to canadan. i luff boys. rach and justin got to cuddle all night and they are the. cutest.

today i came home and slept a bit and then went to 'waiting for godot' with leah, chris, and my dad (haha). it was good but i wish i would've been more awake. steph and her sisters were there. dan had like 5 lines. haha. but it was ok. i get to see him tomorrow again. hoorah. more than hoorah, in fact. i'm just way too tired to be really excited about anything.

xoxo



11 May 2006, 5:39 PM

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth
♪: death cab for cutie - what sarah said

so this song makes me think of this past march, probably the worst month of my life to date, although i didn't realize that until it had passed. but it makes me think of it in a good way. like when that thing happened and i did all that thinking, i couldn't get "love is watching someone die" out of my head. so yeah. umm...

the trip yesterday was fabulous. it was me, olivia, justin and canadan. the drive down was really nice cause we had the windows open and it was a nice temperature. and the boat was AMAZING. we stayed up on deck whenever we could, at the front of the boat, because the air felt wonderful. dan and i did a lot of talking and bonding. we talked about everything from whether he's gay or not (no) to drinking and drugs to relationships. i really like talking to him for some reason. i don't know. olivia thought he wanted to make out with me and was trying to hook us up. um no. we decided we're not going there. which i am very, very cool with. haha. anyway, there was this girl there that i knew from elementary school. it was weird. and we ate a lot and didn't dance. got home at like... 11:30. i am soooo tired.

i had the worst morning. i'm 90% sure i failed my math test. wonderful. and then we watched some of 'flight 93' in history. i cried the entire time. seriously, it's so depressing. i'm not even going to go there. but gym cheered me up. imagine that!

yeah... i really want to go to dance and my stomach is a giant knot. i hope i don't get let down.

xoxo