(i am so glad i feel comfortable putting this here now) i cannot even explain to you how scared i am of how much he affects me. he's been on my mind all freaking week, because i think way too much and i worry. i wish so hard that i can see him, and that it will be for a good reason. i worry so much about him, and what i want more than anything is for him to open up to me so i can be for him what he is to me. i think about him way too much. i should worry about myself more. and now, even just a glance or two or three can make me the happiest person alive. i worry so much that i'm imagining things, and one dose of reality can reassure me just like i need it, and it's the best feeling in the world.

so... mondays suck, basically. school is just a drag. i honestly can't remember anything about it. i actually did okay at my piano lesson after school. then leah and i were going to swim again but the pool was closed. haha. so i watched david blaine nearly drown himself. i'll admit, i was worried. that man is freaking amazing. how about the trick with the girl's teeth in vegas?! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?? but yeah, even though he didn't break the record i adore him. everyone that is making fun of him... let's see them try it! haha.

today... i was in a blah mood all day, because i was tired and because of the first half of the first paragraph up there. yeahhh i miss dan. a lot. but it's better now. more later. ok. but yeah, school dragged on and on... we did balloon art in pull-out. i finished catch-22, which was really good. i liked how the end tied it all together. now i've got to read 'how the garcia girls lost their accent'. i really like it so far (i'm about 25 pages in).

i really didn't want to go to dance tonight, of course, cause like... i hadn't practiced. and other things. but i did ok. all of a sudden i had this giant whoopie moment thing. haha. i could do the dance annnnnd dan was across the hall rehearsing for something. so yeah. *smiles* but bad thing: when we talked a freaking week ago he kinda thought i was mad at him cause he was in a bad mood. i wasn't. at all. but today when i saw him i was staring off into space and then realized i was staring at him. it was so funny cause my mind is usually like "DAN ALERT! DAN ALERT!" but nooo... so i realized i was probably glaring at him, but i didn't want to, like, go back and wave. i replied to our big long email earlier this afternoon. so hopefully he knows i'm not mad at him.

tomorrow is the gateway clipper trip! i wish we could go during school, instead of after. it'll be a long day. but it'll be so much fun. :]

ps. this band is beyond incredible AND I GET TO SEE THEM IN 49 DAYS!!!

xoxo



07 May 2006, 11:24 AM

you can't tell me that you don't beg
♪: taking back sunday - what's it feel like to be a ghost?

so the last time i wrote was tuesday (which was honestly the best day i've had in ages)... umm... i remember not blogging wednesday because absolutely nothing happened. haha. i don't have dance or anything and i haven't been going to improv lately. oh, but my toe hurt a lot all day and i was worried about running the mile the next day.

thursday was pretty good. it was like friday because we didn't have school friday. so i ran the mile and got 11:04. i was allowed to have my ipod and running to louder now is really fun. haha. i could probably have done better but i'm happy with that cause i'm pretty sure it's better than i've gotten in the past. later that day, in GATE, brandon d taught us how to tango a bit. leah was my partner because we ran out of boys and we were both in skirts and it was really funny. but we got pretty good at the basic stuff. :] that night was modern and our dance is sha-weet.

friday i went to leah's at like one, and we walked downtown to get lunch and go to cvs to look for hair product. i felt like a real resident of this town. haha. we bought twizzlers too and ate them on the way home. we saw katherine and her friend andy on campus and i decided to cut my hair like hers (i undecided about 3 hours later). then we dyed my hair. we were going to do just the bangs, but when we did them it only came out in the highlights, so we decided to do my whole head. my hair is now brown and like wild-cherry red. it's amazing. it's going to wash out in a few weeks but that's cool. i'm not into permanent anyway.

that night we went to 'an empty plate at the cafe du grand boeuf' with whitney, olivia and justin. it was weird. lots of pauses and stuff; otherwise it would have been really good and funny. afterwords rachel, leah, justin, whitney and i were on the playground for awhile and then walked back to leah's. funny videos and stuff. rachel and i slept over and we watched 'titanic'. i'd never seen the whole thing all the way through and i cried a lot. haha. we took lots of funny videos and pictures too.

so i went home for a bit and then went to our GATE movie night thing. it was only me, tsa, julia, leah, emily, and jill and some college student emily brought. i think she's staying with them while their parents are away. anyway, we watched catch-22, which was weird, and the princess bride, which i like, but my short attention span got the best of me. haha. and we ate SO much junk food. i felt a little sick. but ish okay.

i came home and read the TBS AP article that my parents bought me when they went shopping. it was horrible. they were acting like they understood adam, and basically saying he's just a druggie, which is EXACTLY what he's trying to avoid by not talking about it. they're saying stuff like, "the fact is, people love TBS because they love watching adam lazzara's bandmates hold him together." fuck that. the fact is people love tbs because adam is a fucking amazing person and the band are fucking amazing musicians with a fucking amazing sound. pardon my french, but that really pissed me off.

today i'm basically doing homework. but first i'm going to make a new layout. and finish listening to louder now.

xoxo



02 May 2006, 9:41 PM

we're all choir boys at best
♪: the fray - cable car

got TBS tickets today. yay for presale! :] it's gonna be same people as AAR & FOB plus my dad, because he's cool like that. this morning he told my mom to tell me he saw angels and airwaves on tv, and then he told her more stuff about them, and she remembered and told me EVERYTHING SHE KNEW. it was the funniest thing evahhh.

ummm... school is boring... what sticks in my head? standardized testing essays this morning. it was what slogan you'd want on a t-shirt. before we started "all you need is love" was playing on the announcements, so i was like, "hey, that works." and i could write a lot about that. i'm afraid they'll take points off for not making up my own... but that's ok, it's not like it counts for anything.

i really didn't want to go to pointe tonight. but it didn't hurt while i was en pointe. it stings like hell now though. we ended early so steph and i left and she gave me a ride to the credit/no credit gig at the college. gahhhh i felt so good. "love shack" almost made me cry just because i love it so. i got asked to babysit friday night but i think i'm gonna decline so i can go to a play with leah and justin. haha, so bad. i SHOULD be making money.

that's all. i was thinking i was going to write more about the gig but i'm talking to dan and i'm distracted now. goodnight.

xoxo



01 May 2006, 8:58 PM

maybe we'll find better days
♪: the all-american rejects - dance inside

grr. i have this weird thing lately where i'm dreading something in the back of my head, but there's nothing to dread. in fact, life is pretty goddamn good. i keep thinking that i'm worried about growing apart from dan, but every time i see/hear from him (except for that one time) it's like... ♥. SO I SHOULDN'T WORRY.

so you know how i worked so hard on my GATE project? yeah, turns out it wasn't due until next week. but that's okay, cause it means i can relax allllll week and weekend.

i'm a total slacker right now. i was supposed to read a lot of catch-22, buttt i got stuck on the computer after school, and then i had to practice the piano. it's going. slowly.

i have to turn in my permission slip for the trip to france tomorrow. no girl friends i have are going. just canadan and justin. that'll be fun, but i'll have no one to room with. ah well. :/

so leah and i are going to start swimming every monday night. i really liked it tonight. it's like, i don't realize how tired i am until i stop doing it. it's that way with ballet. and i feel really good now. so yeah, weekly date. *excited*

imma go read and then sleep, k?

xoxo



30 April 2006, 9:34 PM

don't test me
♪: the all-american rejects - it ends tonight

**go read this , or at least part of it, if you haven't!**

heylo. look at me updating, just like i promised. :] so the rest of this weekend was suckish. dan's my drug so of course i have the comedown. you know. but i have to remember that nothing that's happened is going to go away, and time and distance don't make anything go away either. and he loves me and i love him and we both know that. end of story. if steph can trust him, i can obviously trust him. i just think too much.

saturday night i went out of town with my parents to this dance performance/concert at a high school that was really nice. the high school was nice, that is. the performance... was classical. i mean, the strings sounded amazing, but yeah, not too entertaining. after that was a smaller orchestra playing some wicked cool music and a modern dance. my mom's friend did the costumes and her husband was dancing. it was interesting, but really typical modern. and i was so tired that i didn't really take it in. on the way home we stopped for pizza and were hanging out in a little tiny highway pizza parlor at like 11pm. it was sweet. especially cause my dad is cool.

i spent the majority of today working on my GATE shakespeare project. i wrote my whole essay and annotated bib, read 4 sonnets, and did my interview. i feel extremely accomplished, especially since my essay is 7 pages long and pretty much rocks. i really got into it after awhile. did you know shakespeare had a gay love affair, and that's what the sonnets are about? if the world found that out, they'd be burning him, not applauding him as a genius. i think that's so cool. it's like this best kept secret sort of thing.

then i needed to get out of the house so i called leah and we went and swung and stuff on the playground. (things i like about a small town. :]) she's allowed to get dreads! we're gonna have a dreadmaking party. and on friday we're gonna do lunch and dye some of my hair purple. and tomorrow we're swimming. i'm 'cited and i like having things to look forward to. :] still don't want to have school tomorrow, though. ah well.

ps. louder now... addiction much?

xoxo