the reason i haven't done this in a week is because sunday was hell and i spent the week trying to put it behind me. i had a really bad anxiety/depression attack, and that's all i want to say about that. i went to the doctor yesterday and he's putting me on the medecine my mom takes, but it's natural stuff with no side-effects or addiction possibilities, and i only have to take it as needed. i'm thinking of seeing this anxiety specialist my mom knows about. i know i'm not all that fucked up, for the most part, but it still sort of sucks dealing with some of the things i go through. so that's that.

on saturday the funniest thing happened. i went shopping at the mall, and the whole way driving up i was like, "hm, i REALLY have this feeling i'm going to see dan and jon today. pshhh, so not likely though." so i forgot that i was thinking that for awhile, and then i was walking to the gap, and i passed the icing, which made me think of dan (he knocked over a shelf there this summer... funniest thing ever) so i thought to myself, "hm, if i see him i can say, 'i was just thinking of you!'" so i looked up and there were dan and jon and rachel (s, who they were coming back from visiting). SO WEIRD. soooo i talked to them for a bit and then did more shopping. okay, fine, i'd missed jon. i think i'd still have a crush on him if i a) saw him more than once in a blue moon and b) thought i had any chance with him whatsoever. anyway, shopping i got these freaking ADORABLE black and blue keds, huge round sunglasses, gray leggings, a t-shirt from ae that says "sun shine makes me happy" (♥), and some nice capris from the gap. i think that's it. i looked for a polka dot dress quite a bit too.

this week was actually alright. i love my friends a lot. i got 100% on the history test that was supposed to be really hard and got this dumb certificate from 'mr. snot'. he's such an idiot. that was the academic highlight of my week... rehearsal has been going really well; i have to know my lines by monday and i think i'm going to be fine. enrichment was nice yesterday. nothing too exciting. when we got back i didn't want to go to french so i went to leah's study hall with cressley until i felt like leaving... about 15 minutes before french was over. she didn't care. i felt badass.

last night i went to leah's and we watched about 8 episodes of scrubs. i ♥ zach braff, and he's not all that attractive to me so i can just admire him. :] i would watch garden state if i wasn't still seeing him as JD right now. haha. we also spent some time distorting pictures. and she taught me how to blow a bubblegum bubble, which i could never do before. i'm very excited. :]

tonight is mikayla's birthday party (HOLY CRAP, SHE'S 16) and i don't know what i'm doing this afternoon. probably going shopping for her present and running lines.

ps. dan is a sweetheart and sends the best comforting emails ever, and i miss him something horrible (when did i turn southern?) right now.

pps. i pick duke and u-conn in the final. but you know i'm rooting for illinois and pitt to do well.

xoxo



11 March 2006, 11:16 AM

the music ignites the night with passionate fire
♪: the like - what i say and what i mean

errrmmm... sometimes, we have breaks from school, and then i get all-around lazy. yeah.

on wednesday i had rehearsal at 4:30, so we all just hung out for, what, an hour and a half after school? talked a lot. i love my friends bunches. everyone in the play is getting even closer. we talk about canadan a lot and i feel kind of bad sometimes but OH WELL. rehearsal went well. we're getting much better and shill loves us for always being there and being on time.

then after rehearsal i went to tsa's to watch the project runway finale. alicia was there too and we made garbage bag dresses. they were pretty hot. haha. katherine had a bunch of friends over too. i knew kelsey and "gerard" (tom). we were all big danny v fans. haha. i was disappointed that he didn't win, especially after santino got kicked out first and it was just daniel and chloe, and we were like "OMG!! HE WON!!" psh... sinking feeling. but the more i think about it, it's actually really okay that he didn't win.

thursday morning, leah and rachel came over to watch some of project runway. leah had to leave in the middle for aerobics and they both had to leave later to go shopping. i couldn't go because of rehearsal that evening. but ish okay. i got rachel hooked. and leah's starting work on my t-shirt. it's going to be awesome. that evening i had rehearsal again, which was lots of fun cause it was just the same group of people that love hanging out. after that i went to see 'koresh' at the college, which freaking blew my mind. it was a dance performance, a nice mix of ballet, modern and jazz. really intense. and i got to see jc beforehand. :]

yesterday was chris's movie party... first we watched rent, but i only watched a little bit cause i went over in the corner with chris, leah, jillian, kim, franzi, and eventually joey, and we were reading 'the onion'. lmao. "letter d withdraws sponsorship from sesame street". after that was a bit of 'apples to apples' with an insanely large group of people. fun stuff. i really wanted to watch 'jarhead' so then we did that. i'm not sure i liked it. not a big fan of war movies. but gyllenhaal was nice. hehe. then jillian and i really wanted to go in the hot tub so we dragged leah, whitney, joey and donnelle with us. it was nice. and finally came cuddling with joey and watching scrubs. see, no dan or jon, so i hung out with joey a lot. it was good, cause i never see joey. ever. i missed dan a lot though. they were visiting rachel in new york.

today i get to SHOPPING, FINALLY!!!! i'm really happy, if you hadn't guessed. :D



07 March 2006, 8:48 PM

trophy boys, trophy wives
♪: matisyahu - king without a crown

oh man, yesterday i felt so horrible. i read the end of 'hamlet', in which everyone dies, and parts of '1984' and 'night', which is a book about a jew in a concentration camp. i was sooooo depressed and just kind of numb. i'm seriously so pissed off at society at the moment, and i need to stop enforcing it, because there's nothing i can do.

but see, guys, there's this boy... and now i feel better. it's kind of sad.

i'm actually up to schedule on my homework, so i won't have a crazy amount this four-day weekend. go me. my english teacher is insane when it comes to assignments, though. we've got to outline three chapters for tuesday, and we've got a vocab quiz that day, and we've got to read the second book of 1984 for monday. and we just found this out yesterday.

rehearsal after school was pretty fun. we've gotten to running scenes, which is much better than blocking. although i'm a bit creeped out, cause ever since i figured out that canadan probably likes me i realize that he ALWAYS looks right into my eyes when saying lines, even if he's supposed to be looking at the person next to me or at the group of people i'm with in general. it's kind of weird and i always laugh. and then he laughs. and it's bad. but i love chris and olivia and tsa.

i had dance tonight. i was worried because my toenail is still bruised, but we actually didn't dance at all. we talked about the show and watched some videos. we're doing freaking jazz en pointe to prince. i am SO excited. and steeephhhhannnieeee was baaaaccck. i forgot how much i'd missed her. she's so much fun. we can talk about dan and it's not awkward and we don't get annoyed with each other. hehe. except that she didn't know he went to ARD on friday. oh, and i felt bad... we were talking about cold noses and she said she's always trying to warm her nose on his cheek, and he'll shove her off like, "you're weird." (you know, jokingly, but still) and i was definitely complaining to him about how cold my nose was on friday and that's how he warmed it. hmmmmmers. oops.

today i went to the converse website and created my own... half purple and half pink with a green tongue and stitching. i owe my mom allowance for 3 months (so i'll still have enough money for plays and stuff), but it'll be SO worth it, and they're going to rock you hard.

xoxo



05 March 2006, 10:43 AM

you won't ever get too far from me
♪: taking back sunday - your own disaster

i had a very nice time last night, but this morning i feel all anxious-sad-depressed-nauseous. i think it's because this weekend is over and even though we have a three-day week, it's going to be hard because of lack of seeing... certain people i want to see (take a freaking guess)... this weekend. the last thing i said to him last night was, "i hate this because i don't know when i'm going to see you." and then we were both just quiet.

going back a bit... yesterday afternoon i went out with my mom and grandma to my aunt and uncle's house. they're crazy hick christians, but i guess i love them anyway. my family is so weird, though.

so oliver! was pretty cool. dan picked leah and me up and we got there pretty early cause he was ushering. and went in the back. baddddd us. i liked it a lot even though the second act kind of bored me. there were soooooo many people in that cast. like 98, i think.

afterword we went to cast party at perkins, as usual, duh. dan and i traded hats. there's an amazing picture in which we both look insane and/or drugged. i noted that i always look drugged in my pictures with dan. i said, "dan, you ARE my drug." if only he knew how true that was. chris, donnelle, brandon d, leah, dan and i were there foreverrr. crazy fun times including discussions about canadians and maple syrup (a bunch of people think canadan likes me, i said i wouldn't date him in a million years and dan said he wouldn't let me anyway, teehee)... ewwwwww... i called my dad and asked what time they wanted me home but it was crazy miscommunication so i ended up staying REALLY late with leah and dan. we were kind of sleepy and insane. my favorite moment was... if you've ever been to perkins, you've seen their flowerpots, which are shaped like chickens. i said, "hey, leah, look! a chicken!" and dan said, "that's a long chicken." i was tired and hyper enough that i found that to be the funniest thing ever and laughed for ages. really hard. then my mom called dan's phone and made me come home. i got guilt tripped and felt awful. maybe that has something to do with my sick feeling today, but who knows.

oscars tonight, eh? i'm so rooting for brokeback mountain. i also have lots of reading and math homework to do. YAY FOR THREE DAY WEEKS, THOUGH.

xoxo



03 March 2006, 10:15 PM

i'm getting better at fighting the future
♪: at the drive-in - one-armed scissor

so yesterday i came home and had a stress/anxiety attack again. for the millionth time... i think i should be on something. it was a combo of homework, working out this weekend, and project runway. but then i calmed down a bit about PR and i talked to dan & julia and worked out this weekend. ARD tonight (more about that in a minute) and oliver tomorrow. and dan always makes me feel better. he kind of is my happiness, which is horrible, because i don't know what i'm going to do when i can't have him as easily as i can now. but i'm going to try not to think about that.

today was kind of amazing. they played wonderful music at school. whoever was playing the music must love me, cause they played 'round here, which is probably my favorite song at the moment, even though it's about 8 years old. and motion city soundtrack, and panic! at the disco, and the strokes, and 'soul meets body', my favorite death cab song. i was going to ask brandon who it was but he wasn't in 8th period. *pout* and, i dunno, i was just generally in a good mood even though with work and all i have quite a few reasons to be stressed out.

rachel came over after school to try to iron on her t-shirt for justin, but it didn't work. and i burned myself with the iron. it's on my arm in the weirdest place, cause i was holding the iron up and lying on my side (waiting for it to cool off) and my wrist like buckled over. so i burned my arm a little in a really weird place. anyway.

my parents and i went out to dinner and then my mom and i went to ARD. i saw patrick coming in. i really expected more. i felt nothing. it was so weird. i was almost more freaked out because i had no emotion. but i quickly got over it because dan came. nice surprise. i sat with him and we cuddled, like always. we win the award for most cuddling in totally public and awkward situations. i smell like him now, too, cause i was cold and he gave me his sweatshirt. he's taking me to oliver tomorrow. i kind of like him a lot. end of rambling about dan. ARD was freaking fabulous. some of the pieces were waaaaay out there, but still amazing. and i had lots of friends and stuff in it, and there was a nice variety of pieces. jackie's piece wasn't as awesome, but still pretty great.

so yeah, i feel pretty amazing and i think i like march a lot.

xoxo